Dear Demographics Mongers: I AM NOT A MOM!

Remember THIS blog post from a few months ago, wherein I vented my frustration about my demographics being presumptive and how I found that, let's say, mildly annoying?

Well, it continues. Last week I received the latest issue of 'Parenting, Early Years' magazine. Even after calling and canceling my 'free complimentary subscription' just after writing that blog post. Not only did they not cancel my subscription, but it has my new address on it. Not forwarded, like the rest of my magazines; my actual new address, printed right on the front of it - 3000 miles away from my previous address. So maybe they did cancel my subscription, and this is a new subscription, and they're just stalking me. Either way, in the four months since that last blog post, I still don't have kids, and don't plan on having kids.

For the second time, I called the company that first signed me up for the magazine. (Whom I didn't call out in the previous blog post, but I will here: it was VistaPrint, whose products I love and use often.) I told them what a regular customer I am, and how I appreciate them thinking of me, but I expressed my displeasure with having to call a second time to cancel a magazine that I didn't even sign up for. They assured me that they would cancel the subscription for me. We shall see.

Today upon checking the mail, hoping my new California drivers license will finally be here after three months of waiting, I find that Gerber Life Insurance has started sending me junk mail that starts with the sentence 'Caring mothers like you know how important it is to plan ahead for your baby's future.' If by 'baby' you mean 'cat,' then we're on the same page. I called Gerber to request being removed from their mailing list, and they were very friendly about it, but said I could not have a policy for my cat. (Oh well, it was worth a shot.)

Every time I log into Facebook and go to my profile page, there are a series of ads that run down the side of the right column. For the last year, there has consistently been at least one ad about 'my baby' or 'being a mommy.' Facebook gives you the option to click out of the ad, and give them feedback so that they can 'find ads that better suit your interests.' And every time a baby ad comes up, I click out of it, and put in the 'other' category "I AM NOT A MOM! TAKE YOUR STUPID DEMOGRAPHICS AND SHOVE THEM!" I do it in all caps, just like that, but sometimes I change up the wording, to keep them guessing.

Am I going to be continuously barraged with baby mail now, just because I am thirty-something and married in Demographicland? I love my sisters' kids and my friends' kids, but I am cool with being the fun aunt and the fun mom's friend for now. Why does the Big Brother of Marketing think that my clock should be ticking? Why does society? Maybe not all of us want to be mommies. That's okay, you know. I like sleeping in, and traveling, and sleeping through the night, and not changing diapers, and that whole sleeping thing. After watching my sisters be mommies I can say I have a healthy respect for how hard mommies work, and how much joy they get out of it. But it's just not for me. Maybe someday I will change my mind, but as of right now, I hear no ticking. Clock is quiet. And I get to sleep in.

You know, Big Brother of Marketing, there are a lots of things about me that skew your all-knowing demographics. No matter what you think you have in your database about me, you can't figure me out. Really. Sure, I'm a thirty-something married female, but I love SciFi and Pro-Wrestling, not designer handbags and chick flicks. I'd much rather watch Ghost Hunters than Gilmore Girls, and I have never, ever seen an episode of Oprah. And if you asked me, I could name any Buffalo Bills player from the 1992-1995 seasons by number, but I can't name every character from 'Sex In The City.'

But don't worry, Big Brother of Marketing, there is one thing that fits my demographic with me that you can feel free to send me. I will give you this: I love HGTV, and I love interior design magazines. You send me those, and we will be best friends. Can we just go that route instead, and call it even? Please? If not for me, then for the environment. Think of all the paper, ink and envelopes wasted on your all-knowing demographics.

Save a tree. And leave my biological clock out of this.