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Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Gastronomical Rudeness

OK, I'm about to blog about a not-so-pretty topic, and I apologize in advance for sounding crass to anyone who thinks a lady does not speak of such things, but I'm sure that if they were in my shoes in this situation they would get fed up too and need to vent somewhere. I am choosing to vent here.

I speak, of course, about people who fart on public transportation.

The bus, the train - when these people are standing and I happen to be sitting - nose at butt level!! - and I suddenly get a putrid whiff of their last meal, this really gets my goat. I'm sorry, I have been commuting this way since May, and tonight I finally reached my inhaling strangers' emissions' limit.

I sat by a guy on the train tonight who smelled like he crapped his pants. He was well dressed, seemingly well groomed, but whatever he had dropped before I sat down next to him was lingering in the fibers of his pants. It was however, the only empty seat at the time so I sat and tried my luck at waiting to see who got off at the next stop. I was lucky - three girls next to me got off, and I quickly moved two seats away from Senor SmellyPants. More people get on, a girl between he and I , three more people to my left, and another guy standing in front of me. The train starts rolling, but I am far enough away that SmellyPant's lingering odor is not in my personal space.

That is, until he cuts a fresh one.

It wasn't even like when you sniff and crinkle your nose and hold your breath for a second. This was more like an invisible sledgehammer of sewage straight to the olfactory senses. It was so bad the three people to my left - all farther away from this guy - were all holding their noses. And the guy standing in front of me actually held his arm up to his nose and said "Jesus Christ!" I myself was gasping for fresh air and was seriously mad that I had finished reading my book at lunch today so I didn't even have fiction to distract me from the nasal horror I was living.

Once the cloud had passed a bit - four stops later! - and I could get fresh oxygen circulating in my brain again, I got mad. I couldn't say anything to the guy - SmellyPants had vacated the train but I missed it because I think my eyes were clouded over with a film of stench. I am just sick and tired of smelling other people's ass on the train, or the bus. I do not pass gas on the train, and I expect the same courtesy from others! It is an enclosed space with no air circulation and extremely close personal contact - have a little freaking common courtesy! (The same thing goes for wearing deodorant, people. I know I have touched on this in older posts, but BO falls in the same category as train farts with me.) And if I am sitting, and you are standing, and I can actually hear the fart, please be aware that I am going to kick you in the shins. Be glad it's just a shin bruise and not me returning the stink favor.

On a brighter note, Bryan and I found Easter cake at the grocery store for half price tonight. Half-price cake does not make up for smelling other people's nastiness on the way home. But cake is awesome and half-price cake is cheap awesome, so we have to take what joys we can find in our day and raise them up, right?

Half Priced Cake!


al said...

Lady shmady - gals get gas too - and people just need to accept this fact. No apology needed. Write on! :D

...And may you have many stench free train rides in your future :)

FĂ©nix - Bostonscapes said...

I feel your pain... People can be so freaking disgusting!

In addition to kicking the offender in the shins, always keep a tiny perfume vial in your purse (a drop of perfume in each nostril will block the stench).

Take care. :)

Marcy Mahoney said...

Fenix - that is brilliant! I mignt even pull out the big guns and use Vicks Vapo-Rub. That would most definitley cancel out train stink!

BobbaLew said...