Like Toxic Tessie? Then Check out the art of Ryan Williamson at Pixel Hate Design.

Friday, September 07, 2007

You suck and you smell too.

I am a multi-transportation commuter. I used to just drive to work, back when I lived in Los Angeles, and then Rochester. And you know, I have to say, of all my commutes, Los Angeles was by far the easiest. My current commute has its definite advantages, like saving on gas and wear-n-tear on the ol' 1997 Geo Prizm, and like reading - a lot - during my half an hour on the train every morning. But no-one likes to read about the good things that come from these sort of situations, because let's face it - they're not funny. And they say that no-one likes a complainer, right? Well sure people do. People commiserate with complainers, and they get an boost knowing that no matter how things suck for them, someone else is complaining too. So let me now provide you with that boost - you're welcome.

1. Why must every subway station smell like candied diapers? You open the door and immediately are hit with the overpowering stench of coffee, popcorn, natural gas, human gas, break fluid, feet, and newspaper ink. Nothing st aves off your appetite for breakfast faster.

2. And since we're on the subject of odors, let me be frank: If you, general populace, are going to be in contact with other members of the human race - particularly those with olfactory senses - during the day, WEAR FRICKIN DEODORANT. You smell so awful I can practically taste the B-O. I don't want to taste B-O, I want to taste my coffee! Would it really be so much of a challenge to your morning routine to run a roll-on under each pit before leaving the house?!

3. Here's a tasty tidbit of idiocy from this morning: On my way to the subway station I was driving down Mass Ave, which is busy and crowded normally, but this was at rush hour. Lots of cranky, sleepy drivers on the road. And I don't know what you've heard about Massachusetts drivers, but it's all true. People call them Massholes. No turn signals, no attention span, no personal space, very aggressive, and are driving way too fast on roads that are poorly marked and full of potholes. Oh - and everyone is the only person on the road to themselves, and where they need to go is the most important thing on the planet. Keep all of that in mind, and now multiply whatever insanity you pictured by 100, and you'd be about right about Massachusetts drivers. So this morning, I am driving down Mass Ave to the subway station as I previously mentioned, and who comes up on the right side of my car but a man on a bicycle with his kid in a bike-kiddie-seat behind him - followed on another bike by his wife and their other kid in the same fashion. WHAT?!? There is a 10 mile long bike path that runs PARALLEL to Mass Ave literally 1 block over, but they are battling morning rush hour on bikes with toddlers. The insanity!! The utter and supreme insanity!! Which leads me to my next and final commuter rant ...

4. ... MummaFrickers on Bikes in Boston. (I am doing my best not to swear here, but these people drive me to the edge.) Those who we have encountered on the Bike Path (yes, the same bike path mentioned above, which happens to run right behind our apartment) seem to be relatively well adjusted. But those who I have seen riding, weaving, and cheating death through traffic on Mass Ave are certifiably insane. Or intentionally jerks. Or both. Bicyclists are supposed to obey the same traffic laws as cars. Where does it say, then, that if no cars are turning into your path, you can go straight through a red light? And yet they do. And rarely do I actually see someone wearing a helmet. But they thump your car door if you're waiting at a light and you're a mite too close to the curb - because they want to go by you and go through said light illegally. This morning, two of these brain-trusts on bikes came flying up behind me on the right - as I was clearly turning right onto another street. I had my turn signal on the entire time - long enough that they would have seen it from however far back they were speeding toward their doom from. They were moving so fast that I didn't even see them - but they most certainly saw my turn signal on and my car ambling in the general direction of right - there was no way they missed it. W...T...F, you *#&$(#%ers. I could have killed you and it would have been your fault, but my conscience. I cannot abide these chumptastic Massinine screwheads.

Having complained enough for one post, I will leave you with this parting thought: Cherish the boring, slow, quiet moments in your car, on a road with no idiots on bikes. And put some frickin; deodorant on. :-)

1 comment:

Marcy L. Dewey said...

OMG - My subway rant has been commemorated in a Filk song!! Check it out - here's the link!!

http://phillip2637.livejournal.com/147391.html?style=mine#cutid1