That's how I roll.

I really need to get back to the gym.

Sole-less?

Dear Ladies Who Were Sitting Behind Me On The Bus,

Yes, the bus driver was kind of a doofus, but he was nice and he meant well.  You needn't have carried on in such a mean way just out of his earshot about how he was the town idiot.  He drives your asses back and forth to Alewife so that you can save your gas money to spend on all those boxes of shoes that you kept prattling on about - the ones you buy one of each color and then hide them under your bed from your husband so he doesn't know you bought them.  (I wasn't eavesdropping, you were freaking loud.)  The bus driver spends his whole day combatting Boston drivers and shuttling all personality types, not speed-dialing QVC.  I think he gets a freebie if he has to pause the bus before leaving the station so he can go back inside for two seconds to get his sunglasses - assuring that he can drive into the evening sun safely while taking us all to our destinations.  

You should be kicked in the shins with those stupid pointy Jimmy Choos you were so proud to brag about.

So there.

Natural Cheese.

Here's a little something I found at the grocery store:

Now, is it just me, or does it strike you as odd that this is being marketed as Natural Cheese?  How grossly preservative-happy are we as a culture that Kraft has to promote a special line of cheese that hail the virtues of a food that's supposed to be natural in the first place?  

Here's the shpiel from the Kraft Web site:

Kraft has Reinvented the Wheel

Introducing the scrumptious new standard in Cheddar. Our Kraft Natural Cheddar Cheese Made with 2% Milk now tastes just as delicious as regular Kraft Cheddar. Enjoy the new standard in Cheddar on a cracker or in your favorite recipe. 

I TOTALLY think they should market all their other cheese as Unnatural cheese - it would be far more entertaining and less pathetic.

Where did the Hazmat go?

Hello Interwebs, I'm still here! 

I've been very busy of late, despite my unemployment.  I have been using my unexpected free time productively, and besides looking for work, I have nearly completed a draft of a book that I've been writing! Yeah, I know - woah!  I'm also working on a screenplay, because I'm a Gemini, and we can never have just one project on the table, now, can we?  So that's where I've been writing, whilst my blog atrophies.  I apologize!  

Here are some things I've been thinking about in the meantime, having put notes in the mental filing cabinet for future bloggage.  

First of all, dear Massachusetts drivers, might I just say that you all need to stop driving as if you are blindfolded in bumper cars while overcaffeinated and being attacked by killer bees. I'm not kidding. What is wrong with you?  It's an epidemic!  I nearly saw an old lady turn into roadkill the other day because the beeoytch in the BMW SUV on her cell phone was doing 60 in a 30 and blew through the crosswalk as if the old lady in the hot pink rain slicker was just a speed bump.  She had to have seen the hot pink old lady - you could not miss her on a cloudy dark day in that rain slicker!  But potential manslaugter was not as important to this driver as getting to the red light a block away 2 seconds faster.  Everyone in this state needs to chill the eff out while driving.  Nothing is that important to get to unless it involves a hospital emergency.  And speaking of, pull the eff over when you see emergency vehicles with sirens and lights coming in your direction.  I can't believe I have to tell you this!  Have you no souls?

Now that I have my rant off my chest, I feel better.  Thanks!

I got a bike for my birthday - that was rad!  Thanks Bryan and Mom & Dad!  I love it.  I named it Berta.  (I name things, so what? My car is Megara. My husband's car is Fizzgig.  My computer is, uh, Mac.) I am too afraid of the drivers mentioned above to take it out on actual streets here, but luckily, I live near a bike path, so I have been tooling around on the bike path with it and it's great fun!  (Speaking of the path, might I remind all you dog owners of this.  If I hit a poo slick on my bike and eat pavement, I will find you.)

And saving the best for last:  In big, exciting, awesome and totally freakin' rad Hazmat news, I am going to Comic-Con in San Diego this July!  Expect a fun and anecdotal summary of my total geek experience here on Hazmat!

I'll be back to write more soon, promise.  It won't be months this time. Might not even be weeks. I might even write tomorrow.  You don't know!!  So stay tuned!!

Razor Burned!

Today I ran out of shaving gel and razors - of course, the day it's nice out and I want to wear capri pants.  So I borrowed a spare razor of my husband's, and some of his face shaving cream. And I discovered something ...

Ladies: the man is trying to hold us down.

I got the closest, best shave on my legs of my life, and no nicks!  Even on my shins!  Boys, try shaving your shins sometime.  Better yet, try it with strawberry-scented shaving crap and a Shick - even the sound "shick" sounds like the slicing of flesh by a blade. Shick.  Shick!

The Gillette Mach 3 and Gillette Fusion Hydra Gel are AMAZING.  And marketed to men. WTF?  How different is shaving under your chin from shaving the back of your knees?  Or your shins?  Or that soft spot behind your ankle bone that I have countless shaving scars on?  Seriously - I have seen the light and I will not go back.  The Venus razor has nothing on this Mach 3.  And I don't need my shaving cream to smell like raspberries or mango or mountain rain - I just want to be razor burn and sliced-skin free.  And I am.  

So ladies - join the revolution!!  Just in time for spring!!  Don't let the man keep you down - steal his razors and be free!!